Ready for the real reflection?

All relationships are a mirror.

You may not be ready for it and when the relationship is going sour, it can be hard but you need to take a deep dive inside during these hard times so both people in the relationship can rise.

The universe will provide you each person who you need at exactly the right time in order for you to peel away a layer and understand more about yourself. You just have to be ready and willing to stare that mirror in the face until you can figure out what it is reflecting back on you.

You. You. You.

It all rolls back to you. Instead of point the finger at the other person, I recommend that you first need to start by pointing it at yourself. If you actually take this look inside you will see how or the ways you changed yourself during that relationship. What “little things” did that person do to you or what are the things that just drove you crazy? What were you not able to communicate? What were you not able to hear in what they were saying. What filter are you seeing them through. What blinders have you put on.

Examples:

When he/she said they want you to be honest no matter what, and then you just omitted some of the details, then you did not hear what they said.

I am not condoning violence or verbal abuse or any bad situations.

I want everyone to take a dive inside and REALLY look at yourself. How are you hearing people and what of your personal issues are you filtering conversations through?

Sometimes mirrors show up that you may not be ready for. If you are not ready to look yourself in the mirror in a pit-fall of a relationship, you will create the same issue inside a different one. (Sound familiar? “I just cant seem to meet a nice guy/girl?” “I only date bad guys/girls.” ) Sometimes when you wake up and realize it was you… then you can see people and old relationships through a whole new lens and possibility.

This work is hard. This work is meaningful but this hard, meaningful work on yourself will allow your relationships and your communication to soar.

There is so much opportunity if you are willing to be vulnerable and listen to your own stories you are see people live into. It takes two to tango and 50% of that relationship is you vs. 100% of what is being done “to you”.

Watch your patterns and see them and when someone asks you about them instead of becoming defensive really look at why things are stressing you out. It is an internal reflection that is there for you to choose.

I recently went through this with a partner. They wouldn’t respond to my calls or my messages. I had a bit of a melt down but then choose to look inside to see what was wrong with me. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong to change them and push them away. After a few days, I was able to finally see later that the way I was acting was also pushing them away. When I go up into my head instead of just sharing with them I create the push away.

By me not sharing that they had not called me babe I was creating an emotional barrier of “I guess I am not good enough.” By sharing this vulnerability and need I opened myself up and shared how it affected me and then was able to get into their shoes and really support them through their own struggles. By sharing where my brain goes and telling them I was not feeling “good enough” we broke down a mirror and we are able to see eachother again.

The reason you see it in someone else is because you can see it inside yourself.

What reflections are you ready to see? What ones are you working on? Which ones keep showing up?

And so it is.

Don’t Should On Me

definition: should

SHo͝od,SHəd/

verb

1 1.
used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions.

Don’t should on me.

This is my life and this is my experience and I get to be the one who decides who, what, and where things happen. When someone is trying to force me to do something they they are judging where I am currently.

“You should not go to that bank.”

“You should not drink so much coffee.”

And worse yet, we do this to ourselves! I dare you to take note of your inner dialog. Dive in and really listen to the number of times that you say should to yourself in one day.

“I should go to the gym.

I should have gotten up at the first alarm.

I should get off the couch.”

Just, STOP.

Accept where you are, stop the shoulding and do something about it. There is and there is not. If you stop the judgment, the “ought to be” and just live in the moment you are free.

If you look at the definition of should you can see that it has a negative connotation and immediately causes you to put up a barrier. There’s no reason and there so many other ways to communicate with individuals and then with yourself. Be kind to yourself, know that exactly where you are today is exactly where you’re supposed to be. The things you are experiencing today are the things that you manifested and it is your time. You can’t go back so spending your time, mental space and energy in the past is just a waste.

When you stop “shoulding” on the people around you you set them free to live their best lives. You can recommend and ask “can I share with you what I would do?” This gives them the authorization to say yes or no, instead of spewing your own “shoulds” on them.

By removing should from your vocabulary, you have the freedom to live your life. You’ve removed any judgment or criticism of the past, and today. This is giving you the permission to just live and love.

I dare the next time someone says should, that you say don’t “should on me”. Watch their face and watch them analyzing.

Go live your best life.

And so it is.

Fear of Failure = Sabotage

It is amazing what fear does inside your head and how you act it out unconsciously to “keep you safe”.

I designed a meditation about fear to work through the “reasons” for why I have been sabotaging my own success in the arena of my body transformation.

I have come to a point along my transformation where people are starting to notice and comment about the changes. This is an uncomfortable feeling because it is uncharted territory. I know how to be mediocrely fit, super strong, kinda fluffy and “thick”. This fit girl is new and weird because I don’t know how to be her. I only have history to relate to and in the past when I was smaller I was sick, accomplishing weight loss through unhealthily doing cardio and eating erratically.

A few weeks ago my coach said to me, “You are going to be in the 160s in no time.” My mind freaked out. I don’t know how to be in the 160s. I have never even thought that was a possibility. I know how to do 170s pretty unsuccessfully but the 160s, NOPE. I am really good at 180 or more. This new territory is uncomfortable and my ego craved to go backwards into the comfortable. I began sabotaging my success. I know how to over eat. I was with family and friends which became the perfect outlet. “Because” they were all eating I didn’t want to be difficult I just did what I always do… eat all the food and not be accountable to it.

My craving and desire to be in control and to be comfortable was “fed” by doing things that I knew how to do.

  • I know how to be 180
  • I know how to eat all the food
  • I know how to feed the feelings instead of feel them.

Most of this was all happening unconsciously. I knew that I was eating, I knew I was not tracking it and I knew that it was not going to get me to my goal but WHY?

My need for security and control were so strong that I was willing to compromise everything, (Progress, integrity, possibility).

  1. A feeling is only a feeling. It is not what is actually happening.
  2. We assign meaning or a story to that feeling.
  3. We act as if the meanings and stories are actually happening to us.

In my case:

  1. I have been feeling uncomfortable in this new uncharted territory.
  2. The meaning I have assigned to these feelings: I will fail because it is what happened in the past. My friends and family will not accept this new me. I don’t deserve this success.
  3. The actions I have taken to get away from the uncomfortable and insecure feelings were to do everything that IS comfortable. Doing what is comfortable, eating and following and old success pattern satiated the need for security.

If there is no such thing as feelings then there is no such thing as security, and there is no such thing as uncomfortable.

I declare to be the cause in my life instead of creating because(s). Instead of getting stuck in the “what if” I am going to jump into the unreasonable.

Reason = Because

Action = [be]ing the cause

And so it is.

18 Week Transformation/Progress

I have done macro counting in the past but a big shift in my life made me reach out and hire a new coach. I joined Hybrid Performance Method Nutrition 18 weeks ago. I was blessed to be paired with coach Greg Sutton. With all the shit that has come up between work, rage, police departments, traveling and finally falling into a place of growth he has “stood” by my side and supported me to find the strength within. He changes me macros and makes me laugh weekly.

There is about an 18lb difference between these two pictures.

My current macros are: 165C | 48F | 175P | 25Fib

Things I’m consistent about during this process:

  1. Lift 5-6 days per week. I spend about 1-1.5 hours lifting in the evening after work.
  2. Do low intensity cardio 1-5 days per week either before work or in the form of short walks during my work day.
  3. Meditate daily.
  4. Get a massage once a month (I have been a member at Massage Envy for about 10 years).
  5. Currently see a chiropractor 1 time per week (recent injury in my hip/back). Cal, you have saved me!
  6. Drink a minimum of 150oz of water per day.
  7. Coffee! Every day!
  8. Pancakes a minimum of 1 day per week.
  9. Sleep 4-9 hours per night.
  10. . Find a way to play every day: (Reading, pulling cards, laughing, painting, good sex, cooking something new, listen to loud music, wear pretty underwear, plan a trip, call a friend you haven’t talk to in months, find a new meme and share it).

The joureny is not over and this transformation contines. Follow me today for workouts, funny stories, recipes and mindfullness.

After intimacy, he changed.

While helping people I hear this all to often.

 

“He was amazing and sweet and we had some great dates and then we got intimate and he changed. His communication change, he drifted away. I am anxious that I ruined things.”

Everyone gets nervous.

This is my pep-talk to anyone that may be experiencing this type of anxiety.

 

Know that everything you have, and everything you have to offer is AMAZING! You are more than sex! If that’s all he was trying to go after then you deserve better. You need to know that you’re worth amazing. You are worth your wildest dreams and then more!

 

If he wants to walk away form AMAZING, let him walk.

 

State what happened. ” We were dating and then we got initiate. After getting intimate he no longer talks to me the say way.” This is exactly what happened. The story you are telling yourself is where you are driving yourself crazy. Nothing in what happened did he say that you are not worth his love, or that he is not interested. Your anxiety is rising from the “meaning” you are assigning to what happened.

 

After those great dates and good conversation you have things to add or delete from “your list“. You can add that you loved the way he talked to you, greeted you and made you smile. You deserve that all the time not just before getting intimate.

 

Set yourself up as an expectation for dates to rise to.

“How do you do that?”

 

State exactly what you expect, and don’t always give in. Don’t always be available. Live your life and fit them in when you can.

 

If you get too annoyed and he is starting to trail off, just cut it off and move on. He is not worth “wondering” if he can’t understand your worth. State exactly what your expectations were and are.

 

Example:

“I love the way you talked to me in the beginning. Because you gave me that, it became a standard and an expectation. You proved to me that you’re capable of it. After we became intimate you decided to back off and I’m on not OK with that. I want more that you currently are giving me. I am going to back off and wish you luck. I hope you find what you’re looking for but I am going to look for someone that can rise to my standards.”

 

You are not accusing him of anything, you are not assuming anything. You are simply stating the truth and sharing that your current needs and expectations are not being met. What happened and not the story.

And so it is.

 

 

Featured photo: I worked with this beautiful, strong, independent woman, Teral when I lived in Milwaukee. She is someone that always creates her own path, her own style and lives the life she wants to live. No matter what gets thrown at her she comes out stronger, more creative and presents herself with an positive outlook. She

Teral is the owner of Salvage Apparel and Neck Ties & High Heels in Milwaukee, WI. She has taken second hand shopping to a whole new level by creating unique, bold and strong sense of personal style for her customers.  

Check out Salvage Apparel today!

https://www.etsy.com/shop/SalvageApparel

https://www.facebook.com/SALVAGEapparel/?pnref=lhc

https://www.facebook.com/necktiesandhighheels/

 

the narcissistic psychopath charmed me

When I met “charming” I thought he was going to be the last first date and I was willing to say it because I was head over heels. He did a fantastic job of charming me from the moment I first saw him. He scooped me up and rescued me from a previous relationship and I can never repay him for what that means to me now.

This was definitely one of my very favorite first dates. When I saw him walk into the restaurant, I immediately knew that I was going to spend some time with this tall, gorgeous, muscular, edgy man. He walked right up to me, hugged me, and grabbed my hand and we didn’t let go. We had chemistry. We had things in common that I never thought I would find in another human. It is hard to find those compatibility markers.

He charmed me. I was so charmed I didn’t see or acknowledge when things had taken a turn.

The story of how it ended:

I had offered many times to help him while he was starting a business to watch his dog or his daughter. He forgot to tell me that he wanted to take his daughter out of town for her birthday and then blamed me for not listening. I am type A, I write everything down so I can plan ahead and know what is going on. It is kind of a joke with my friends because I can tell you what’s going on six weeks from today.

This argument took place early on that Thusday. I was simply trying to help him make a plan to celebrate her birthday. Later in the afternoon he asked me if I would come to his house that evening to stay with him ( he lived about 1.25 hours from me) and then take his dog home with me for the weekend. He needed someone to take care of him so he could drive to another state to pick up a trailer for his new business. I clearly stated that I could do that but I would have to leave at 4:30am the next morning in order to get to work on time. He expressed his concern about me having to do this early morning drive but I let him know that it was important to me that I help especially because he asked.

When I was leaving to head to his house he said that he was going to run to his moms and pick up some things that he left there. I got to his house at about 7:30pm and let him know that I let myself in. There I sat, alone.

Because I was going to have to get up so early the next morning, after 30 minutes of waiting I let him know that I needed to go to bed in about an hour. He was upset, even though I had told him I needed to leave so early the next day and clearly at this point he knew I sleep about 6-8 hours each day.

He finally came home at 8:45pm.

He was physically upset. He was sour faced, raging and tense. I hadn’t seen him in about 5 days but he did not greet me with love after I just driven to see him and waited alone. I didn’t bring up that I was upset about waiting because sometimes you just have to bite your tongue. We got his daughter ready for bed and then all hell broke loose.

He dropped some food and started storming around. Then he realized he forgot some items I needed in his work car and decided it was an appropriate reaction to punch himself in the head repeatedly. He stormed outside to smoke to calm down. When he came inside he got angry with me that I had started to get ready to go to bed. He was upset because I wanted to talk but NEVER stated that’s what he wanted.

We curled up to talk and he disclosed that he hated the distance between us. He talked about how he was concerned that my career may mean that I might never be able to move to the city he lives in. He also started talking about how he felt suicidal because only bad things happen to him. For every up there were 3 downs. He refused to hear me when I talked about all the positives. He also talked about how causing harm to his mother was the only way to end his problems.

I heard him, but I couldn’t believe my ears.

I was physically upset but somehow managed to go to bed and get myself up at 4:30. I pulled myself together, or so I thought. I had his dog with me for the weekend. The whole situation and everything we have discussed, watching him harm himself, and seeing the rage caused me to have my first panic attack. It was a crazy 48 hours of processing. My whole body was saying, “Get yourself out of this!” Then my mind was starting to understand and follow along and then commit.

When he came to get his dog a couple days later, he didn’t understand and refused to understand why I thought he needs professional mental health. He refused to understand that I was his girlfriend and not his therapist and what he was asking me to do was beyond my scope of feeling comfortable. He couldn’t understand when I said, “it’s not normal to talk about suicide or harming someone. It’s not normal to punch yourself in the head”.

Things escalated and I knew that I was unsafe and needed to take care of myself. I had compromised so much of myself through this relationship that no more, my body was shutting down and emotionally I couldn’t take anymore of the heightened craziness.

He walked towards the door and I didn’t stop him. I blocked his number because he would continue to try to guilt me. I want to be very clear that I did not waver in this decision. No communication, no unblocking, no glimmer of hope.

Now I see that I was willing to compromise my standards, myself, and my happiness in order to try to make it work. I am so proud of myself that I ran when I did. I could spend days, weeks and months “shoulding” on myself about how I should have seen the signs. Something within me wasn’t willing to see and that’s OK. Live, grow, and learn.

A big sign I now see and want to share:

When I would display my feelings and tell him what I needed, he would guilt me and show me how that was “actually incorrect” or “selfish”. Any time that I might have left him, he would give in just enough that I would stick around.

This worked over and over but no more.

Things I see/know now:

  • If you feel like you have to hide something from someone, then the relationship is not mutual and it is not a partnership.
  • If at any given point someone makes you feel bad for being yourself, this is not a relationship and this is not a partnership.
  • If you are willing to compromise your greatest dreams and the integrity of who you are because they won’t be happy, this is not a partnership and this is not the relationship for you.
  • If you are afraid of sharing your hopes/wants/goals because of the way someone will respond, this is not a partnership and this is not a relationship.
  • If you stop doing the things that are important to you and that you love to do for someone else, they are not your partner and this is not the relationship for you.
  • If someone blames you for something instead of having an open and honest conversation about feelings that go both ways, this is not a partnership or the relationship for you.

I do have gratitude for him and will add the following things to my list. These are my gifts that he has given me in the experiences I will treasure.

  • The way he looked at me made me feel like I was the only girl in the world.
  • The smile lines.
  • The way he would make me laugh about the weird stuff that I do
  • His love for his children and the way he would glow when a baby was around.
  • How much fun we would have when we would go to the gym together.
  • He was so sexy in a suit.
  • Those green eyes.
  • How he could understood my life living in Tupperware and meal prep.
  • This relationship felt surreal in the beginning and I loved every second of it.
  • Romantic gestures of putting flowers at my door when I would come home from work.
  • He was romantic, spontaneous and full of adventure.

Featured photo: This is a bit of irony. This is a sketch he did of “blind justice”.