Shit Not Going My Way

Shit Not Going My Way

Today’s message is all about how much time we spend in the turmoil of frustration.

Context: a part of my Organizational Consulting business is when I am organizing, clients will have me sell some of their items. then I take a portion of the commission.

A couple of weeks ago I had scheduled an entire day to drive over an hour and sell a bunch of items. And then… I had a couple of buyers not show up.

I sat in my car and just was beyond myself in anger and frustration. I was so annoyed with how few people are their word and disrespect others. I couldn’t get the feeling to pass and I still had more to do that day.

I told myself that I needed to drop the feeling and even though I said this to myself. I didn’t actually drop it. I was still harboring my annoyance. I had to pick up one more item and was meeting another buyer in a city closer to my/their home.

I get to the meeting location. I confirm with this individual no less than 6 times that they understand and know where the meeting spot is. They let me know they were running late from work and would arrive 20 mins after our agreed upon time.

I figure no big deal I am parked outside of the 2 stores I needed to go into after the meet up and now I could use this downtime to complete those two tasks.

I come out of errands and now it is 25-30 minutes later and they are no where to be found.

I message and they said they were looking for the location.

I sent them the address.

Another 10 minutes pass. I now have been waiting for them for 40 minutes.

At this point I did something I have never done before.

I yelled. I yelled at another human. I yelled at this human to insert the damn address into their GPS instead of just driving around looking for the location they picked out. There were a lot of other choice words.

I didn’t just want to drive away because then I would have been stuck with this object in my car or apartment for an extended amount of time.

Finally after an hour and 5 minutes they show.

They gave me an additional 15% because of my hassle and I was FUMING at this point.

I decide to go do some retail therapy. I had a gift card for REI. This way I could still comply with my No Clothes Shopping 1 Year and possibly pick out something nice.

I drove over to REI happily and walked around. I found the below sweater on the sale rounder. Perfect wool sweater for cold weather and specifically snowboarding.

I delightfully walked to the desk and handed them my gift card. The woman kind of stared at me and let me know that they had switched to a new computer system that morning and all gift cards no longer worked. She assured me she would be able to get the money off and onto the new cards but she would need to call the headquarters. This entire process would be 20-25 minutes to complete.

I kind of just closed my eyes and sighed and knew it was the epic ended to my day.

I complied and asked if there was anything I could do to make the process go faster. I asked if I could continue to browse while she worked through her process. I stayed calm and knew I just needed to surrender to my day and whatever the universe had planned for me. I had been fighting time and people and systems for 9+ hours.

I delightfully wandered REI.

My patience and being in a place of peace paid off. When I was called back to the front, the manager was so thankful for my patience and even temper they awarded me an additional 20% off of the sweater.

I had not cleared the frustration out of my space. Once I actually surrendered to just standing in the situation of where I was at, the universe said “Yes.” Frustration is an internal feeling and even when shit is not going your way the frustration is not felt by anyone else besides you. At this point, I could have done anything else besides be annoyed.

It is all choice. How many days are you spending like this?

Frustration or peace, it’s all your choice of how you’re willing to spend your time.

No Clothes Shopping for 1 Year

No Clothes Shopping for 1 Year

When I consolidated my student loans with Lendkey in 2018, I decided to take on an extra $100 per month to pay the loans off in 5 years instead of 7 years. (Click here for blog about refinancing). I had to figure out where I was going to get the extra money each month in my budget.

I decided to take on the challenge of not buying clothes for an entire year. I “NEEDED” nothing, just a lot of wants.

On Black Friday of 2018 I bought some socks and essentials and a few things for in the gym and started the 1 year of no clothes.

Guidelines:
  1. I can buy clothes from a second hand store with a maximum $10 per item limit.
  2. I can accept clothes from other people as gifts.
  3. If I am given a gift card, I can use it to buy something new, BUT I am not allowed to ask for gift cards.
So far what I have learned:
  • I have had so many WANTS over the past 7 months.
  • I regularly add things to my cart and then put them back.
  • I avoid shopping with friends and ask them to do activities instead.
  • I have manifested more clothes in the past 7 months than I could have purchased. The wants did not go away and I didn’t judged how I acquired the clothes. So many people have given me things, it is crazy. I love watching how the universe is providing me the things I want. My style has completely evolved to include more colors, more freedom and great fitting items.
Manifestations:
  • My glamorous grandma passed away and we were the same size. My grandpa let me pick out items I wanted to wear to continue her legend. Shoes, leather pants, fur vests, etc.
  • I went to dinner with a group of friends and someone had bags of clothes they were trying to get rid of. A few dresses and tops!
  • Clients were downsizing their closets and offered to me that I could take anything I wanted before taking the rest to be donated. Dresses, pants, tops!
  • Someone gave me a few gift cards.
  • A girlfriend found a shirt that made her think of me and it fits perfect!

Someone gave me this shirt, I couldn’t have found something to match these shorts so perfectly.

I am having so much fun with this, that I may just keep going. I have a few things that I know I would buy on Black Friday and now I am working on manifesting exactly what I want that day including the price I want to pay. Let the games begin!

Karma

Karma

Karma is the manifestation in your external world of who you are internally. Karma and integrity are closely related. Karma is defined as the sum of a person’s actions in all forms of existence deciding their fate in future existences. *

Your mind creates the cause and the reality we live out is the effect.

Have you ever notice how happy people are happy no matter what the circumstances are? They are choosing to be happy, they are choosing to notice the light and positivity in the situation. They are wearing a cute outfit, they land the big business deal and someone surprises them with a free coffee. The sum of this person’s actions and thought are on the rise. Their future existence is on the upward trends.

You may have also noticed the opposite. When you wake up and it is raining, you trip on dog and bruise your hand on the door frame, you hit every red light and every co-worker is in a bad mood. You are becoming increasingly aware of the negatives available and the sum grows.

You manifest more of your internal state until you are willing to see/identify and really spend time with that state. You can literally “shake it off” and choose something different. Jump around, go on a walk, take a shower, do what you need to do to change your state and you physical being so your internal state can resonate and be in a different space to create positivity.

Integrity is the agreement to live exactly what you say you are. A bank robber has not moral problems with being a bank robber because they are in integrity with the lifestyle the have chosen. They live by the laws they have agreed to. They go into this lifestyle understanding the potential outcomes but live in agreement with their own internal Karma

Where resistance or breakdowns shows up is when you not living in integrity. There is a misalignment with what you say you want and who you are being.

There is no beginning or end to how the universe works but the more you put out there the more it is going to come back. Your experience of the world and the things that happen to you are the external results of what is happening on the inside. How you speak to yourself, the stories you live and the habits you are letting control your life.

Karma is neither good or bad, it is the sum of your experience to create the future experiences.

Choose wisely.

Shake it off.

Believe in what you want so much that there is not option to not live in alignment with that dream.

It just is.

*https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/karma

#theYESandLife

#theYESandLife

The yes and life.

There is no right, there is no wrong. What if you could have everything you wanted and you were able to step outside of fear and stand in the yes of life?

Try this on for size, this week pick one day and any time someone invites you to do something you say yes. This experiment involves you getting out of your ego, pessimistic state of mind and go into the experience by full of curiosity.

What is the worst that could happen? You end up at a lunch that you didn’t plan on. At that lunch you meet someone while waiting in line that has one of the biggest business deals of your career. Or you get a free lunch. Or you learn something new about a co-worker that allows your work relationship and communication to thrive.

Humans get cough up in their reasons and the life they live completely out of habit. You have identified yourself as someone and you customize your entire world to fit that picture you have painted. You are a mom, so you tell yourself that you cant travel or take time to go to the gym. You are “Type A” so you tell yourself that you can’t do something spontaneous. You are unorganized so you tell yourself that you can be late for all of your meetings. There is a entirely different option out there and it all starts by saying yes.

You get to say “yes and…” fill in the blank.

Yes I will go to lunch and will you drive?

Yes, I will go on the snowboarding trip and I will keep my job.

Yes, I will be a mom and a badass.

Yes, I will be an engineer and a personal trainer.

Drop the either or that you have decided your life has to be and start living the life that you always dreamed.

Start with one simple “yes” this week.

Register for that program.

Have a fantastic marriage and be in an open relationship.

Book the flight.

Finish the book.

Hit a PR in the gym.

Have the hard conversation with your lover.

Whatever it is that is holding you back? I challenge you to go on the other side of your reasons and start customizing your life.

Register for the program you have always dreamt of but you dont know where the money is going to come from or you don’t know what hotel you would stay in. The point of this exercise is start somewhere. By registering for the program you are saying “yes!” Then all of the other situations/hows will fall together. You are telling the universe a direction and the how’s will start to show up. Give into the “WHAT” drives you and the hows, the paths, the money will start to align.

Have you always wanted to travel to another state but just were too scared or didnt know what would happen or you didnt have anyone to go with? Well this is your opportunity to do some research and get on the other side of your reasons. Start with the What, say yes and book the flight. Then all of your excitement will fuel the conversations you have with people. All of these conversations a random friend might become your co-traveler, someone might tell you about a great deal they got on a rental car and someone might give you a lead on an amazing adventure they recommend when you get there.

Build #theYESandLife of your dreams.

The way you do fitness, is the way you do life.

The way you do fitness, is the way you do life.

However you are currently “doing fitness” or how you approach your health is also how you are showing up in all aspects of your life.

Think about it.

1. Do you make time for your health and fitness? Is this an area that you have made a priority? If so, then you are making time for family, friends and your health. You communicate your priorities and if something is not in alignment with this goal you make adjustments to accommodate both in your life.

2. When you walk into the gym are you a social butterfly? How else is this showing up in your life? Are looking for an escape or a release from what’s really important? You may eb-and-flow between focus and distraction. At work when you don’t want to complete a task, do you find people to talk to? When you are uncomfortable do you make jokes?

3. Are you avoiding your health and fitness? Are you confused even where to start? Where is this showing up in your life? There are projects that you are avoiding and you have not done the research to get started. There is a conversation you likely have been avoiding with an ex-girlfriend, a boss or a stubborn parent. There is a trip you have always wanted to take and you dream about it daily but have not started the planning.

4. Do you go between two extremes? All in or all out. You go balls-to-the-wall and go every day, only to find that in a week or two you burn out and go back to the other extreme of sleeping and not eating for your optimal health. How else does this show up in your life? Do you work day and night on a project and once it is complete you curl up on the couch with your favorite blanket for a week? Do you drink an entire bottle of wine and then claim that you will not drink again? Do you date a girl and see her every day but in a month you jump ship?

5. Do you have a systematic approach to your health and wellness? You workout on a regular basis, like clock work and never deviate from the plan. Sometimes the same plans goes on for months or years. How else does this balance show up in your life? But, do you also not have enough fun? It’s all routine and very little play. You are able to go to work and the gym but where is the adventure?

What do all of these have in common?

Choice.

Your circumstances do not define who you are or who you will be. Becoming aware of your way of being is the first step in becoming who you want to be and where you want to go.

You can catch yourself in your way of being. Notice the habits you get stuck in and take action to break the routine. In each of these cases you can only improve. Start with your approach to fitness and you may discover all the other avenues that your life can take. Hire a trainer to keep you accountable, find a friend that will workout with you but won’t let you be a social butterfly, put the workout into your calendar and set a goal.

Define your fitness and create your life.

And so it is.

My dad’s girlfriend died

My dad’s girlfriend died

Absence is an opening that envelopes me.

The breathe I have is shallow and pained

The tears are warm but filled is gratitude.

The strength of your children feeds my steps.

The stories are ours to keep.

Grab my hand, hold my heart.

The darkness is dulled through the joy you gave us.

4 years ago my parents split. This was a very strange time in my life. It seems as if I had never really seen my parents in the same room on purpose, so I was not really surprised but they had been together for 35+ years. My mom wanted something different and my dad was heart broken.

After the divorce was final, dad quickly was introduced by a co-worker to Debbie. They were inseparable. This was also another new strange sensation because the time that my dad didn’t spend with mom, he had spent with me. I was 28 and my best friend had found a new best friend. Moving forward he always came with a companion.

After 4 years Debbie passed of brain cancer.

Earlier this year, I was frustrated with Debbie and her unwillingness to allow me to see her. I only wanted to love her and help her through this time of pain. Instead of staying in the frustration or the story I told myself about her condition, I called her for the first time and got to talk to her about how much appreciation I had for her. She was the woman that stood by my dad’s side, took him in and put up with all of his quirks. This was the last time I would be able to talk to her and I’m so glad I was able to put everything to the side and just talk to her.

I have pure gratitude for her life and her children. She really loved my dad, just for him. She was his friend and couldn’t wait to spend every moment with him. I can only hope to find this kind of friend/love in my life time. Her children have taken my dad into their lives and taken care of him. I can’t believe their strength and how much they have impacted my lives. I didn’t sign up for extra siblings but I’m sure glad someone put my name on that list. She’s their strength, genuine kindness and pain through this time has made me proud to welcome them in.

To Debbie and Family:

Thank you for always standing by my father’s side and welcoming me in. When my “flame” may have dulled, you and my family/community have stood for me and knew that blowing some air, adding some kindling or dousing me with gasoline would bring me back. Life is so bittersweet and thank you so much for allowing me to share my life with you. Each of you have added to my story and I am so proud to be a part of this “common-unity.”

And so it is.

After intimacy, he changed.

After intimacy, he changed.

While helping people I hear this all to often.

 

“He was amazing and sweet and we had some great dates and then we got intimate and he changed. His communication change, he drifted away. I am anxious that I ruined things.”

Everyone gets nervous.

This is my pep-talk to anyone that may be experiencing this type of anxiety.

 

Know that everything you have, and everything you have to offer is AMAZING! You are more than sex! If that’s all he was trying to go after then you deserve better. You need to know that you’re worth amazing. You are worth your wildest dreams and then more!

 

If he wants to walk away form AMAZING, let him walk.

 

State what happened. ” We were dating and then we got initiate. After getting intimate he no longer talks to me the say way.” This is exactly what happened. The story you are telling yourself is where you are driving yourself crazy. Nothing in what happened did he say that you are not worth his love, or that he is not interested. Your anxiety is rising from the “meaning” you are assigning to what happened.

 

After those great dates and good conversation you have things to add or delete from “your list“. You can add that you loved the way he talked to you, greeted you and made you smile. You deserve that all the time not just before getting intimate.

 

Set yourself up as an expectation for dates to rise to.

“How do you do that?”

 

State exactly what you expect, and don’t always give in. Don’t always be available. Live your life and fit them in when you can.

 

If you get too annoyed and he is starting to trail off, just cut it off and move on. He is not worth “wondering” if he can’t understand your worth. State exactly what your expectations were and are.

 

Example:

“I love the way you talked to me in the beginning. Because you gave me that, it became a standard and an expectation. You proved to me that you’re capable of it. After we became intimate you decided to back off and I’m on not OK with that. I want more that you currently are giving me. I am going to back off and wish you luck. I hope you find what you’re looking for but I am going to look for someone that can rise to my standards.”

 

You are not accusing him of anything, you are not assuming anything. You are simply stating the truth and sharing that your current needs and expectations are not being met. What happened and not the story.

And so it is.

 

 

Featured photo: I worked with this beautiful, strong, independent woman, Teral when I lived in Milwaukee. She is someone that always creates her own path, her own style and lives the life she wants to live. No matter what gets thrown at her she comes out stronger, more creative and presents herself with an positive outlook. She

Teral is the owner of Salvage Apparel and Neck Ties & High Heels in Milwaukee, WI. She has taken second hand shopping to a whole new level by creating unique, bold and strong sense of personal style for her customers.  

Check out Salvage Apparel today!

https://www.etsy.com/shop/SalvageApparel

https://www.facebook.com/SALVAGEapparel/?pnref=lhc

https://www.facebook.com/necktiesandhighheels/

 

the narcissistic psychopath charmed me

the narcissistic psychopath charmed me

When I met “charming” I thought he was going to be the last first date and I was willing to say it because I was head over heels. He did a fantastic job of charming me from the moment I first saw him. He scooped me up and rescued me from a previous relationship and I can never repay him for what that means to me now.

This was definitely one of my very favorite first dates. When I saw him walk into the restaurant, I immediately knew that I was going to spend some time with this tall, gorgeous, muscular, edgy man. He walked right up to me, hugged me, and grabbed my hand and we didn’t let go. We had chemistry. We had things in common that I never thought I would find in another human. It is hard to find those compatibility markers.

He charmed me. I was so charmed I didn’t see or acknowledge when things had taken a turn.

The story of how it ended:

I had offered many times to help him while he was starting a business to watch his dog or his daughter. He forgot to tell me that he wanted to take his daughter out of town for her birthday and then blamed me for not listening. I am type A, I write everything down so I can plan ahead and know what is going on. It is kind of a joke with my friends because I can tell you what’s going on six weeks from today.

This argument took place early on that Thusday. I was simply trying to help him make a plan to celebrate her birthday. Later in the afternoon he asked me if I would come to his house that evening to stay with him ( he lived about 1.25 hours from me) and then take his dog home with me for the weekend. He needed someone to take care of him so he could drive to another state to pick up a trailer for his new business. I clearly stated that I could do that but I would have to leave at 4:30am the next morning in order to get to work on time. He expressed his concern about me having to do this early morning drive but I let him know that it was important to me that I help especially because he asked.

When I was leaving to head to his house he said that he was going to run to his moms and pick up some things that he left there. I got to his house at about 7:30pm and let him know that I let myself in. There I sat, alone.

Because I was going to have to get up so early the next morning, after 30 minutes of waiting I let him know that I needed to go to bed in about an hour. He was upset, even though I had told him I needed to leave so early the next day and clearly at this point he knew I sleep about 6-8 hours each day.

He finally came home at 8:45pm.

He was physically upset. He was sour faced, raging and tense. I hadn’t seen him in about 5 days but he did not greet me with love after I just driven to see him and waited alone. I didn’t bring up that I was upset about waiting because sometimes you just have to bite your tongue. We got his daughter ready for bed and then all hell broke loose.

He dropped some food and started storming around. Then he realized he forgot some items I needed in his work car and decided it was an appropriate reaction to punch himself in the head repeatedly. He stormed outside to smoke to calm down. When he came inside he got angry with me that I had started to get ready to go to bed. He was upset because I wanted to talk but NEVER stated that’s what he wanted.

We curled up to talk and he disclosed that he hated the distance between us. He talked about how he was concerned that my career may mean that I might never be able to move to the city he lives in. He also started talking about how he felt suicidal because only bad things happen to him. For every up there were 3 downs. He refused to hear me when I talked about all the positives. He also talked about how causing harm to his mother was the only way to end his problems.

I heard him, but I couldn’t believe my ears.

I was physically upset but somehow managed to go to bed and get myself up at 4:30. I pulled myself together, or so I thought. I had his dog with me for the weekend. The whole situation and everything we have discussed, watching him harm himself, and seeing the rage caused me to have my first panic attack. It was a crazy 48 hours of processing. My whole body was saying, “Get yourself out of this!” Then my mind was starting to understand and follow along and then commit.

When he came to get his dog a couple days later, he didn’t understand and refused to understand why I thought he needs professional mental health. He refused to understand that I was his girlfriend and not his therapist and what he was asking me to do was beyond my scope of feeling comfortable. He couldn’t understand when I said, “it’s not normal to talk about suicide or harming someone. It’s not normal to punch yourself in the head”.

Things escalated and I knew that I was unsafe and needed to take care of myself. I had compromised so much of myself through this relationship that no more, my body was shutting down and emotionally I couldn’t take anymore of the heightened craziness.

He walked towards the door and I didn’t stop him. I blocked his number because he would continue to try to guilt me. I want to be very clear that I did not waver in this decision. No communication, no unblocking, no glimmer of hope.

Now I see that I was willing to compromise my standards, myself, and my happiness in order to try to make it work. I am so proud of myself that I ran when I did. I could spend days, weeks and months “shoulding” on myself about how I should have seen the signs. Something within me wasn’t willing to see and that’s OK. Live, grow, and learn.

A big sign I now see and want to share:

When I would display my feelings and tell him what I needed, he would guilt me and show me how that was “actually incorrect” or “selfish”. Any time that I might have left him, he would give in just enough that I would stick around.

This worked over and over but no more.

Things I see/know now:

  • If you feel like you have to hide something from someone, then the relationship is not mutual and it is not a partnership.
  • If at any given point someone makes you feel bad for being yourself, this is not a relationship and this is not a partnership.
  • If you are willing to compromise your greatest dreams and the integrity of who you are because they won’t be happy, this is not a partnership and this is not the relationship for you.
  • If you are afraid of sharing your hopes/wants/goals because of the way someone will respond, this is not a partnership and this is not a relationship.
  • If you stop doing the things that are important to you and that you love to do for someone else, they are not your partner and this is not the relationship for you.
  • If someone blames you for something instead of having an open and honest conversation about feelings that go both ways, this is not a partnership or the relationship for you.

I do have gratitude for him and will add the following things to my list. These are my gifts that he has given me in the experiences I will treasure.

  • The way he looked at me made me feel like I was the only girl in the world.
  • The smile lines.
  • The way he would make me laugh about the weird stuff that I do
  • His love for his children and the way he would glow when a baby was around.
  • How much fun we would have when we would go to the gym together.
  • He was so sexy in a suit.
  • Those green eyes.
  • How he could understood my life living in Tupperware and meal prep.
  • This relationship felt surreal in the beginning and I loved every second of it.
  • Romantic gestures of putting flowers at my door when I would come home from work.
  • He was romantic, spontaneous and full of adventure.

Featured photo: This is a bit of irony. This is a sketch he did of “blind justice”.