What is anxiety?

IMG_0198For years of my life I have struggled with anxiety and I didn’t even know that it was. I knew I had a streak of stubborness but I had no idea it was just anxiety. I would freak out if things didn’t go as planned. I litterly built my life around planning. I was a wedding planner, a strategic planner and buisness executive. I have a keen mind where I have that uncanny ability to see all the things that can ponetially go wrong before it ever happens. This is a beautiful insight as an operations executive but this also left me with frustration, wonder and worry.

If things didn’t go as planned or if someone wasn’t fitting inside of the box as I thought they should, my eye would twitch. Specifically, my left eye. This would happen when I was annoyed or when things weren’t going my way. This is not the most flattering literal twitch to have when you are leading a team of a couple hundred people people. There were many meetings where I would lean into my left hand just so that people couldn’t see my left eye twitching.

Then I learned present vs. future and where I am actually living.

When I feel myself getting into a state of just frustration because things are NOT going my way is when my stomach turns in knots and my left eye might twitch. The situation has not even happened yet and yet my body is experiencing the future as if it is happening now. The feelings my body is expereicing are the fear of what MIGHT happen.

Anxiety is worry and worry is the thought of something in the future.
It is NOT happening right now.

My eye would twitch because I was trying to controls something in the future that had not even happened yet. Once I was able to separate the difference between my feelings and myself i was able to get into action and impact what actually happened in the future.

Now when I start to feel flutters, twitches, heat, sweating about a situation i am I’m able to put my feet on the ground. I am able to become aware that whatever I am thinking about has not happened yet.

The circumstances that made you flutter, heat up or twitch are simply the reality of what is currently happening. Allowing these feelings to continue only distracts your mind from taking action. You have the choice to reframe your view of the situation. Instead of spending time and physical energy on the “shoulds/coulds” you can just get into action.

You have teh choice to stop putting your body in the future and allowing your anxieties or your frustrations to rule how you are experience your life, RIGHT NOW. The body can expereince feelings. You are not your feelings. You have a body. The feelings and sessations of the body do not define your personality or who you are.

Stop living in the future. Set yourself free, define the feeling and get into action.

The way you do fitness, is the way you do life.

However you are currently “doing fitness” or how you approach your health is also how you are showing up in all aspects of your life.

Think about it.

1. Do you make time for your health and fitness? Is this an area that you have made a priority? If so, then you are making time for family, friends and your health. You communicate your priorities and if something is not in alignment with this goal you make adjustments to accommodate both in your life.

2. When you walk into the gym are you a social butterfly? How else is this showing up in your life? Are looking for an escape or a release from what’s really important? You may eb-and-flow between focus and distraction. At work when you don’t want to complete a task, do you find people to talk to? When you are uncomfortable do you make jokes?

3. Are you avoiding your health and fitness? Are you confused even where to start? Where is this showing up in your life? There are projects that you are avoiding and you have not done the research to get started. There is a conversation you likely have been avoiding with an ex-girlfriend, a boss or a stubborn parent. There is a trip you have always wanted to take and you dream about it daily but have not started the planning.

4. Do you go between two extremes? All in or all out. You go balls-to-the-wall and go every day, only to find that in a week or two you burn out and go back to the other extreme of sleeping and not eating for your optimal health. How else does this show up in your life? Do you work day and night on a project and once it is complete you curl up on the couch with your favorite blanket for a week? Do you drink an entire bottle of wine and then claim that you will not drink again? Do you date a girl and see her every day but in a month you jump ship?

5. Do you have a systematic approach to your health and wellness? You workout on a regular basis, like clock work and never deviate from the plan. Sometimes the same plans goes on for months or years. How else does this balance show up in your life? But, do you also not have enough fun? It’s all routine and very little play. You are able to go to work and the gym but where is the adventure?

What do all of these have in common?

Choice.

Your circumstances do not define who you are or who you will be. Becoming aware of your way of being is the first step in becoming who you want to be and where you want to go.

You can catch yourself in your way of being. Notice the habits you get stuck in and take action to break the routine. In each of these cases you can only improve. Start with your approach to fitness and you may discover all the other avenues that your life can take. Hire a trainer to keep you accountable, find a friend that will workout with you but won’t let you be a social butterfly, put the workout into your calendar and set a goal.

Define your fitness and create your life.

And so it is.

It is all in the context

BACKGROUND:

The reality is that I hate doing the dishes but I also use an insane amount of Tupperware during the week. When I get home every day from work I have about 3-5 bags with me that I dump in the living room. I don’t wash the table besides once a week. I wash my hair maybe 2-3 times per week and shave my legs probably 2 times per week. My kitchen is tiny and I live alone.

When I am around my friends they see the chaos and the mess in the kitchen but if you open the fridge it is organized AF!!!

I do chores throughout the week but typically wait for Friday night clean up all the dishes. And by Sunday the house is ready for another week of messes.

WHAT HAPPENED:

A relationship had developed from strictly fiends to potentially more. (It’s all in the context). He has only seen me as the hot mess friend. A whirlwind of dirty hair, gym clothes, Tupperware and an artistic flare. As soon as the context changed… I changed.

I walked into the house and found it in its typical messy insanity. Dishes everywhere and out of order.

In the context of friends… he had seen my house a mess and me in just sweats, wet hair and glasses.

Now in this new context of possibly moving the relationship from friends to potentially more the mess wasn’t presentable.

I walked in and there is a mound of dishes! I knew I didn’t have time to wash them so… this happened.

Yep… I shoved all the dishes underneath the sink. Then there were still more dishes so I filled my work cooler. I dry shaved my legs, put on clean clothes, took down my hair (this never happens), wiped down the table, shoved my work bags into a closet and started cooking for us.

It is amazing what you will do to look good in fear of looking bad. I am writing this and laughing at myself. I am committed to showing up as the real human. No more fear, just reality.

And so it is.

Fear is Excitement without Breath

I have been taking with a lot of people about fear recently and then a wonderful woman in my life talked about excitement and it all fell together. Fear is what holds us back and keeps us small. Our ego steps in whenever their is opportunity for growth and brings up the fears around that potential growth. You have to be able to take the leap, be unreasonable and trust that on the other side of fear will be growth and a world of wonder that you would have never dreamed possible.

Fear is healthy but also is an opportunity. Fear is what makes you act in actual unsafe situations. But, with practice you will be able to determine what is unsafe vs. what is ego.

Your natural fight or flight does not need to be activated all the time. Fight or flight is your entire system being in a state of excitement. Your senses are heightened and you are READY. In this situation you are without breath. You are only in action mode. In danger this is perfect because all you can do is act. When you start to feel this excitement I challenge you to take a breath.

Take a breath.

Bring yourself back into your body.

Question if you are actually in danger.

Question the way ego is keeping you small.

Question what would your life be like if you acted out of excitement vs. fear.

When you are ready to grow you will come RIGHT up to the edge of change. You will be in a state of excitement. Ego will step in and tell you all the reasons that you should not take the action to move on the other side of the line.

Don’t Should On Me

definition: should

SHo͝od,SHəd/

verb

1 1.
used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions.

Don’t should on me.

This is my life and this is my experience and I get to be the one who decides who, what, and where things happen. When someone is trying to force me to do something they they are judging where I am currently.

“You should not go to that bank.”

“You should not drink so much coffee.”

And worse yet, we do this to ourselves! I dare you to take note of your inner dialog. Dive in and really listen to the number of times that you say should to yourself in one day.

“I should go to the gym.

I should have gotten up at the first alarm.

I should get off the couch.”

Just, STOP.

Accept where you are, stop the shoulding and do something about it. There is and there is not. If you stop the judgment, the “ought to be” and just live in the moment you are free.

If you look at the definition of should you can see that it has a negative connotation and immediately causes you to put up a barrier. There’s no reason and there so many other ways to communicate with individuals and then with yourself. Be kind to yourself, know that exactly where you are today is exactly where you’re supposed to be. The things you are experiencing today are the things that you manifested and it is your time. You can’t go back so spending your time, mental space and energy in the past is just a waste.

When you stop “shoulding” on the people around you you set them free to live their best lives. You can recommend and ask “can I share with you what I would do?” This gives them the authorization to say yes or no, instead of spewing your own “shoulds” on them.

By removing should from your vocabulary, you have the freedom to live your life. You’ve removed any judgment or criticism of the past, and today. This is giving you the permission to just live and love.

I dare the next time someone says should, that you say don’t “should on me”. Watch their face and watch them analyzing.

Go live your best life.

And so it is.

Fear of Failure = Sabotage

It is amazing what fear does inside your head and how you act it out unconsciously to “keep you safe”.

I designed a meditation about fear to work through the “reasons” for why I have been sabotaging my own success in the arena of my body transformation.

I have come to a point along my transformation where people are starting to notice and comment about the changes. This is an uncomfortable feeling because it is uncharted territory. I know how to be mediocrely fit, super strong, kinda fluffy and “thick”. This fit girl is new and weird because I don’t know how to be her. I only have history to relate to and in the past when I was smaller I was sick, accomplishing weight loss through unhealthily doing cardio and eating erratically.

A few weeks ago my coach said to me, “You are going to be in the 160s in no time.” My mind freaked out. I don’t know how to be in the 160s. I have never even thought that was a possibility. I know how to do 170s pretty unsuccessfully but the 160s, NOPE. I am really good at 180 or more. This new territory is uncomfortable and my ego craved to go backwards into the comfortable. I began sabotaging my success. I know how to over eat. I was with family and friends which became the perfect outlet. “Because” they were all eating I didn’t want to be difficult I just did what I always do… eat all the food and not be accountable to it.

My craving and desire to be in control and to be comfortable was “fed” by doing things that I knew how to do.

  • I know how to be 180
  • I know how to eat all the food
  • I know how to feed the feelings instead of feel them.

Most of this was all happening unconsciously. I knew that I was eating, I knew I was not tracking it and I knew that it was not going to get me to my goal but WHY?

My need for security and control were so strong that I was willing to compromise everything, (Progress, integrity, possibility).

  1. A feeling is only a feeling. It is not what is actually happening.
  2. We assign meaning or a story to that feeling.
  3. We act as if the meanings and stories are actually happening to us.

In my case:

  1. I have been feeling uncomfortable in this new uncharted territory.
  2. The meaning I have assigned to these feelings: I will fail because it is what happened in the past. My friends and family will not accept this new me. I don’t deserve this success.
  3. The actions I have taken to get away from the uncomfortable and insecure feelings were to do everything that IS comfortable. Doing what is comfortable, eating and following and old success pattern satiated the need for security.

If there is no such thing as feelings then there is no such thing as security, and there is no such thing as uncomfortable.

I declare to be the cause in my life instead of creating because(s). Instead of getting stuck in the “what if” I am going to jump into the unreasonable.

Reason = Because

Action = [be]ing the cause

And so it is.

18 Week Transformation/Progress

I have done macro counting in the past but a big shift in my life made me reach out and hire a new coach. I joined Hybrid Performance Method Nutrition 18 weeks ago. I was blessed to be paired with coach Greg Sutton. With all the shit that has come up between work, rage, police departments, traveling and finally falling into a place of growth he has “stood” by my side and supported me to find the strength within. He changes me macros and makes me laugh weekly.

There is about an 18lb difference between these two pictures.

My current macros are: 165C | 48F | 175P | 25Fib

Things I’m consistent about during this process:

  1. Lift 5-6 days per week. I spend about 1-1.5 hours lifting in the evening after work.
  2. Do low intensity cardio 1-5 days per week either before work or in the form of short walks during my work day.
  3. Meditate daily.
  4. Get a massage once a month (I have been a member at Massage Envy for about 10 years).
  5. Currently see a chiropractor 1 time per week (recent injury in my hip/back). Cal, you have saved me!
  6. Drink a minimum of 150oz of water per day.
  7. Coffee! Every day!
  8. Pancakes a minimum of 1 day per week.
  9. Sleep 4-9 hours per night.
  10. . Find a way to play every day: (Reading, pulling cards, laughing, painting, good sex, cooking something new, listen to loud music, wear pretty underwear, plan a trip, call a friend you haven’t talk to in months, find a new meme and share it).

The joureny is not over and this transformation contines. Follow me today for workouts, funny stories, recipes and mindfullness.

To those who wait

Do not wait to have a conversation, to meet the girl, to talk to the boss. Know rarity and spark when you see it. I challenge everyone to act when your gut tells you to and don’t allow you head or your story to get in the way.

If you wait a year…

That is a year of meeting people. That is a year of YOU meeting people and a year of ME meeting people. If you didn’t take action when you first wanted to then that makes “me” a second thought.

It is not anyone else’s responsibility to take the initiative to have the conversation. If you blame someone else or a situation for not taking the initiative it will show that you actually were too weak or it just was not the right time.

If you know someone through a mutual friend, do not put the responsibility on them. Take action. Ask for that girls number, make that phone call, send that text message.

If you want that job, you have to make yourself different and put tools in your toolbelt to make you stand out. Find a mentor, read a book or watch a webinar. There is so much opportunity for you to set yourself apart and in the time we live in there is so much information and education all around us that you can empower yourself easily.

Be bold. Be different.

I am rare. I am driven. I am beautiful and I am powerful. It has taken me quite some time to know these qualities and not see them as hindrances. But in them, every day I find strength. I can lean on them and I know when I am down that they will lift me up. This stands true for both my work relationships, my family relationships, and my personal relationships.

These qualities now have become standard in my life. Only those who lift me up, make me smile, and push me to continue to rise will be in my life.

Those who wait, I will pass by. Those who wait, still have qualities, confidence and lessons that they’re questioning about themselves. I respect where everyone is in their own life but the people i invest time in are also shift, growing and learning.

I am not someone to sit and wait.

If someone chooses something in their life, respect that and they will respect you too. Do not challenge that decision, only question and support it. You will learn something from yourself in this.

Find and define your own rarity. Find and define your own drive. Be comfortable in both procrastination and excitement. In this moment, I call for you to take action. If it’s making that relationship work, lifting those weights or applying for that job; make a move.

You are worth your dreams. Please don’t wait. I challenge you now to recognize and believe in your own procrastination and drive.

In rest is beauty it is time to dive inside sort some things out and define exactly what you want. In that time you can create a plan can be formed to initiate the drive.

Do not wait.

You are worth that jump, that leap, but you must see the rarity around you. Allow that rarity that you see to echo the rarity within.

And so it is.

The List

The list is a concept that goes with manifestation but also recognition of the things you want in your life.

The list is a literally a list of qualities, actions, features, and dreams you want to find while looking for your significant other. This is a list that evolves and changes over time. It doesn’t matter how long or how short or how many times you change “the list”. The important thing is to continue to add to it while you meet people.

You do not have to add to this list only after dates but after meeting any person and finding and noticing a quality that you’d like to see in your other.

Example list:

  • Boldness.
  • The way he looked at me, made me feel like I was the only person in the room.
  • Someone with the strength to make me feel safe.
  • The way he makes me laugh so hard that I could pee myself.
  • How well he knew me. Instead of being annoyed that I need to stop in the car to pee, it became a joke. “I bet you have to pee in 3 miles.”
  • Sends me dumb memes.
  • When his hand always seems to find mine.
  • Expects me to rise and challenges me to be a better person.
  • Someone that understands the intimacy of kissing my forehead.
  • Pet friendly.

You do not have to add to this list only after dates. You can learn things from all people round you. What about your co-worker, a friend or a stranger do you LOVE and would love to see in your partner. Notice the qualities and add to your list.

Example additions:

  • I want someone that “lights up” like the little old man at the gym that greets me at the door every day.
  • I want to go on random coffee and cupcake dates like I have with my gay-best-friend.
  • I like that my boss always takes my ideas into consideration. I don’t expect them to respond immediately but I want someone that can have a conversation with me.
  • Respects my career like my staff do.

This is an opportunity to always grow. I challenge you to find the positive in every person you encounter, not matter how challenging the situation. What is one thing you want to walk always with that you want your next date to mimic.

Someday, when you are ready all the things on your list will show up in one person. Cherish it. It can be scary. It can be terrifying. You will find yourself pushing them away because you will need to determine and find inside yourself that you are worthy of the wonderful person you’ve been working on manifesting for YEARS.

For now, have fun. Learn from every person and add, delete and edit your list. Do not be surprised by the beautiful ways that your list shows up exactly the way you asked.

Always add and repeat to yourself when you review your list, “Or something better.”

And so it is.

Featured Photo: My lifelong friend is an amazing owner, makeup artist and esthetician of Wildflower Beauty in Lake Mill Wisconsin. She has always been self-driven, creative and unique. She married her tall dark and handsome husband in 2017.  I adore her, her family and her never ending love for life.

Check out Brittany today!

https://wildflower-beauty.blog/

https://wildflower-beauty.com/

Manifestation

Manifestation is all about trust. It’s about committing fully and the ability to give the goal, the dream, the wish 100% over to the universe or God. (Pick the term that resonates best with you).

Manifestation is having a believe that something can come true. Knowing it so much that you’re able to hand over the entire believe to the universe. Trust comes in when you hand it over. Hand it over and releasing the judgement or being frustrated with the when or the how. You only can go into the believe of already having it. The universe WILL then work within your believe system to start lining up the world around you so that that exact hope and dream will show up.

Once you doubt or judge the when and how you were putting up a block. You are question if you are worth that dream and blocking its ability to show up. It’s not that it won’t happen it’s that there is a wrinkle in time for that believe to show up. If it doesn’t happen the way you thought it would happen then you need to get more specific.

Example: for years I’ve dreamed of moving somewhere warm. I would put myself in the idea of getting to wear shorts every day and no need for huge comforters on my bed. A little while later while living in Milwaukee I still would dream every day. I moved into a delightful apartment waiting for he universal powers to help me manifest my dream. I move into my new apartment and funny to find out that my new place is HOT!!! Like 85 indoors during the middle of winter. I only could laugh. The universe gave me what I was looking for, I was not specific enough with the dream. I lived in a delightful home where I could wear shorts every day.

Trust is small but it it it also big.

Start small.

When you get in the car in the morning sit there for minute. Close the door, your coffee is still steaming and put your feet on the ground. In this one second l think about the drive to work.

Not about all of the things you have to do when you get to work but just think about the drive to work.

See yourself getting one green light and your favorite parking spot. Notice, that I did not say all green lights. No, just one. In this 5 seconds before you’ve even left your parking spot you have given the universe a signal, a direction and a wish.

Drive to work, if you’re joyful and you have your green light show up and I can imagine you will have a big smile on your face. Know in this moment you manifested that. The universe will show up.

One green light, one smile, one hope will start another positive moment. Will you see a brand new car that’s shiny clean? Will the sun peaked around the sun the corner of a cloud? Will a coworker invite you to coffee?

Pull into that favorite parking spot. And smile as you successfully walking to your office without spilling your coffee have matching shoes on and your name tag it is on right side up.

Every day I start by sitting down at my kitchen table. I sit down with my favorite cup of coffee and a blank page in my journal and usually Pinterest. Pinterest is a happy place why not start there? Even if I only get three pictures and at least have started with something happy.

At the beginning of each week I try to start my week with a list of things I want to accomplish or might be fun to manifest. Not big things, small things. I’m realistic in my expectations and I set the expectations low so that I feel excited when the universe blows my mind. In the same goal setting session, I also recognize three positive things that happen from the week before. For example someone complimented me on an outfit, or someone thanked me for the way responded to an email or how much weight I left it in the gym. Small things but having gratitude for the positivity around me. The more I recognize and have gratitude for the things around me the more I will manifest the things that I know are coming to me.

Have joy.

Start small.

And find something small to be grateful for. Do you have a great manicure today? Did you find a penny? Did your significant other send you a funny meme?

Manifestation is a choice, manifestation is trust, manifestation is joy and manifestation is handing the impossible over to the universe.

And so it is.

Featured Photo: This photo is the day I could’ve gotten in the car and immediately driven off but instead I took the five seconds to stand there and look at the sunrise. Feet on the ground and some gratitude.