While coaching people I hear this all to often.
“He was amazing and sweet. We went on a few great dates and then we got intimate and he changed. His communication change, he drifted away. I am anxious that I ruined things.”
Everyone gets nervous.
This is my pep-talk to anyone that may be experiencing this type of anxiety.
Know that everything you have, and everything you have to offer is AMAZING! You are more than sex. If that’s all he was trying to go after then you deserve better. You need to know that you’re worth amazing. You are worth your wildest dreams and then more.
If he wants to walk away form AMAZING, let him walk.
State what happened. " We were dating and then we got initiate. After getting intimate he no longer talks to me the say way." This is exactly what happened. The story you are telling yourself is where you are driving yourself crazy. Nothing in what happened, did he say that you are not worth his love, or that he is not interested. Your anxiety is rising from the "meaning" you are assigning to what happened.
After those great dates and good conversation you have things to add or delete from "your list". You can add that you loved the way he talked to you, greeted you and made you smile. You deserve that all the time not just before getting intimate.
Set yourself up as an expectation for dates to rise to.
“How do you do that?”
State exactly what you expect, and don’t always give in. Don’t always be available. Live your life and fit them in when you can. If you get annoyed and he is starting to trail off, just cut it off and move on. He is not worth “wondering” if he can’t understand your worth. State exactly what your expectations were and are.
“I love the way you talked to me in the beginning. Because you gave me that, it became a standard and an expectation. You proved to me that you’re capable of it. After we became intimate you decided to back off and I’m on not OK with that. I want more that you currently are giving me. I am going to back off and wish you luck. I hope you find what you’re looking for but I am going to look for someone that can rise to my standards.”
You are not accusing him of anything, you are not assuming anything. You are simply stating the truth and sharing that your current needs and expectations are not being met. What happened and not the story.
And so it is.
I met “Olympics” while working a very stressful summer job. This job was full steam ahead 100% of the time and we worked between 40 and 60 hours in a 3 to 4 day period. There were high emotions and dilution after little sleep and long hours. I wasn’t sure if Olympics even noticed me my first weekend but over the summer we quickly got to know each other and spend more and more time together.
He was interesting because not only did we have a love for athletics but he was studying the law of attraction and was a massage therapist. He had this charming smile and light blue eyes. He had a six year old son and was renting from his parents while practicing for the winter Olympics.
Our first interaction, not on a work weekend, he had invited me to get a massage. I thought nothing of it because I have had many male masseuse prior to meeting Olympics. He was professional, kind and actually a decent massage therapist. We got to know eachother the weeks after that and he confessed that he was actually interested in me. We lived about an hour from each other but made it work because we had to spend every weekend together and during the week I had my other job.
I remember the first time I met his parents and I was super nervous. His mom had asked us to go set the table and I literally was so nervous I blanked out and could not remember which side the fork vs. spoon and knife go on.
We sat down and his dad blankly said, “Who on earth set this table?” I blushed and admitted to him I had set the table but at least I was dyslexic.
He found this quite interesting because Olympics was also dyslexic. He had many questions about my success in life and how I managed to adapt. As a child I was given a tutor, skills, and I have a lot of internal determination. I don’t see it as a hindrance and I see it as a creative opportunity to be the best list maker ever. I could see in his father’s face that I was very different than Olympics and I was never looking at dyslexia to be a crutch. Olympics and his family had a different outlook on dyslexia. I was still mortified that I had set the table incorrectly.
I was living alone in this tiny apartment in Milwaukee and was robbed. Olympics rushed to comfort me and I asked him to stay. He was traveling down daily to practice for the Olympics so it made sense for him just to stay and also it was comforting to know that someone would be there after the robbery.
Now I look back and say “oh my, I can’t believe two people lived in that space.” I think the whole apartment was maybe 500 sq ft. I learned in this relationship that I can be territorial.
School started back up and now I was working 20 to 30 hours and going to school full-time and still working some of my other jobs. I was getting up at 4 o’clock every morning, going to the gym before school. After class I would go home for a bit and then off to work from 2 to 8 PM. Basically, I was gone all the time and had very little time to myself or to catch up with other people.
At this point Olympics was living with me and not contributing much. I told him he could stay and look for a job but then it was a month or more of him watching movies and relaxing after practice and little to no job searching. With my driven personality this s⁂⁂t started to get to me.
Can you imagine this, I’m working more than 1 job and going to school full-time and he’s watching movies in my tiny apartment!?!
The moment I knew I needed to talk to him was the moment I got up in the morning to go to the gym at 4 AM and I open the fridge to grab my meal prep food and it was all gone.
Anyone that knows me, knows how territorial I am when it comes to food. On the weekends I spend time cooking and making sure that I have everything ready for the week. Don’t touch my macros.
I wanted to have a conversation with him that day in order to make sure that he understood that I needed him to go get a job and help support us but also needed him to understand the importance of my food being available when I needed it at 4 AM. It wasn’t about the food it was about the lack of communication that there was no food.
He had not contribute anything to this apartment, he only brought his stuff and put it in the drawers and baskets I had given him.
How the relationship ended:
On this particular day, I was in class and sent them a message to see if he was going to be home around 2 o’clock in order to get ready for work. I let him know that I was hoping that I could see him and talk to him before we both left for the afternoon. He was cautious and questioned about what I wanted to talk about and I just said I would like to talk to him when I got home.
I got out of class and went home to find a completely empty apartment.
Not just empty, but like he had taken all of his stuff and moved out. I said I wanted to talk and have a conversation about our relationship and he literally moved out. Not only did he move his stuff out but he made sure to leave the drawers open and tip the baskets over just to make sure I could see that his stuff was gone.
I was kind of distraught, upset and weirded out but at the same time I just needed to get my head straight, get into the shower and get ready for work.
I got into the shower and this is where I uncontrollably could not stop LAUGHING. The only thing he had contributed to the entire apartment was a bar of soap. Which he took!!!
Really, really, who takes the bar of soap?!? The only thing Olympics contributed and he took it with him!! Holy s⁂⁂t, it was so funny.
Later that day he said that he thought we just needed some time and some space apart. I was very vocal and direct, to let him know that he was not welcome back and that our relationship had ended. If he was so afraid to talk to me and he would just leave then this was never going to work long-term.
Things I know now:
Things I appreciated and added to my “list”:
And so it is.
When I met “charming” I thought he was going to be the last first date and I was willing to say it because I was head over heels. He did a fantastic job of charming me from the moment I first saw him. He scooped me up and rescued me from a previous relationship and I can never repay him for what that means to me now.
This was definitely one of my very favorite first dates. When I saw him walk into the restaurant, I immediately knew that I was going to spend some time with this tall, gorgeous, muscular, edgy man. He walked right up to me, hugged me, and grabbed my hand and we didn’t let go. We had chemistry. We had things in common that I never thought I would find in another human. It is hard to find those compatibility markers.
He charmed me. I was so charmed I didn’t see or acknowledge when things had taken a turn.
The story of how it ended:
I had offered many times to help him while he was starting a business to watch his dog or his daughter. He forgot to tell me that he wanted to take his daughter out of town for her birthday and then blamed me for not listening. I am type A, I write everything down so I can plan ahead and know what is going on. It is kind of a joke with my friends because I can tell you what’s going on six weeks from today.
This argument took place early on that Thusday. I was simply trying to help him make a plan to celebrate her birthday. Later in the afternoon he asked me if I would come to his house that evening to stay with him ( he lived about 1.25 hours from me) and then take his dog home with me for the weekend. He needed someone to take care of him so he could drive to another state to pick up a trailer for his new business. I clearly stated that I could do that but I would have to leave at 4:30am the next morning in order to get to work on time. He expressed his concern about me having to do this early morning drive but I let him know that it was important to me that I help especially because he asked.
When I was leaving to head to his house he said that he was going to run to his moms and pick up some things that he left there. I got to his house at about 7:30pm and let him know that I let myself in. There I sat, alone.
Because I was going to have to get up so early the next morning, after 30 minutes of waiting I let him know that I needed to go to bed in about an hour. He was upset, even though I had told him I needed to leave so early the next day and clearly at this point he knew I sleep about 6-8 hours each day.
He finally came home at 8:45pm.
He was physically upset. He was sour faced, raging and tense. I hadn’t seen him in about 5 days but he did not greet me with love after I just driven to see him and waited alone. I didn’t bring up that I was upset about waiting because sometimes you just have to bite your tongue. We got his daughter ready for bed and then all hell broke loose.
He dropped some food and started storming around. Then he realized he forgot some items I needed in his work car and decided it was an appropriate reaction to punch himself in the head repeatedly. He stormed outside to smoke to calm down. When he came inside he got angry with me that I had started to get ready to go to bed. He was upset because I wanted to talk but NEVER stated that’s what he wanted.
We curled up to talk and he disclosed that he hated the distance between us. He talked about how he was concerned that my career may mean that I might never be able to move to the city he lives in. He also started talking about how he felt suicidal because only bad things happen to him. For every up there were 3 downs. He refused to hear me when I talked about all the positives. He also talked about how causing harm to his mother was the only way to end his problems.
I heard him, but I couldn’t believe my ears.
I was physically upset but somehow managed to go to bed and get myself up at 4:30. I pulled myself together, or so I thought. I had his dog with me for the weekend. The whole situation and everything we have discussed, watching him harm himself, and seeing the rage caused me to have my first panic attack. It was a crazy 48 hours of processing. My whole body was saying, “Get yourself out of this!” Then my mind was starting to understand and follow along and then commit.
When he came to get his dog a couple days later, he didn’t understand and refused to understand why I thought he needs professional mental health. He refused to understand that I was his girlfriend and not his therapist and what he was asking me to do was beyond my scope of feeling comfortable. He couldn’t understand when I said, “it’s not normal to talk about suicide or harming someone. It’s not normal to punch yourself in the head”.
Things escalated and I knew that I was unsafe and needed to take care of myself. I had compromised so much of myself through this relationship that no more, my body was shutting down and emotionally I couldn’t take anymore of the heightened craziness.
He walked towards the door and I didn’t stop him. I blocked his number because he would continue to try to guilt me. I want to be very clear that I did not waver in this decision. No communication, no unblocking, no glimmer of hope.
Now I see that I was willing to compromise my standards, myself, and my happiness in order to try to make it work. I am so proud of myself that I ran when I did. I could spend days, weeks and months “shoulding” on myself about how I should have seen the signs. Something within me wasn’t willing to see and that’s OK. Live, grow, and learn.
A big sign I now see and want to share:
When I would display my feelings and tell him what I needed, he would guilt me and show me how that was “actually incorrect” or “selfish”. Any time that I might have left him, he would give in just enough that I would stick around.
This worked over and over but no more.
Things I see/know now:
I do have gratitude for him and will add the following things to my list. These are my gifts that he has given me in the experiences I will treasure.
Featured photo: This is a bit of irony. This is a sketch he did of “blind justice”.
Manifestation is all about trust. It’s about committing fully and the ability to give the goal, the dream, the wish 100% over to the universe or God. (Pick the term that resonates best with you).
Manifestation is having a believe that something can come true. Knowing it so much that you’re able to hand over the entire believe to the universe. Trust comes in when you hand it over. Hand it over and releasing the judgement or being frustrated with the when or the how. You only can go into the believe of already having it. The universe WILL then work within your believe system to start lining up the world around you so that that exact hope and dream will show up.
Once you doubt or judge the when and how you were putting up a block. You are question if you are worth that dream and blocking its ability to show up. It’s not that it won’t happen it’s that there is a wrinkle in time for that believe to show up. If it doesn’t happen the way you thought it would happen then you need to get more specific.
Example: for years I’ve dreamed of moving somewhere warm. I would put myself in the idea of getting to wear shorts every day and no need for huge comforters on my bed. A little while later while living in Milwaukee I still would dream every day. I moved into a delightful apartment waiting for he universal powers to help me manifest my dream. I move into my new apartment and funny to find out that my new place is HOT!!! Like 85 indoors during the middle of winter. I only could laugh. The universe gave me what I was looking for, I was not specific enough with the dream. I lived in a delightful home where I could wear shorts every day.
Trust is small but it it it also big.
When you get in the car in the morning sit there for minute. Close the door, your coffee is still steaming and put your feet on the ground. In this one second l think about the drive to work.
Not about all of the things you have to do when you get to work but just think about the drive to work.
See yourself getting one green light and your favorite parking spot. Notice, that I did not say all green lights. No, just one. In this 5 seconds before you’ve even left your parking spot you have given the universe a signal, a direction and a wish.
Drive to work, if you’re joyful and you have your green light show up and I can imagine you will have a big smile on your face. Know in this moment you manifested that. The universe will show up.
One green light, one smile, one hope will start another positive moment. Will you see a brand new car that’s shiny clean? Will the sun peaked around the sun the corner of a cloud? Will a coworker invite you to coffee?
Pull into that favorite parking spot. And smile as you successfully walking to your office without spilling your coffee have matching shoes on and your name tag it is on right side up.
Every day I start by sitting down at my kitchen table. I sit down with my favorite cup of coffee and a blank page in my journal and usually Pinterest. Pinterest is a happy place why not start there? Even if I only get three pictures and at least have started with something happy.
At the beginning of each week I try to start my week with a list of things I want to accomplish or might be fun to manifest. Not big things, small things. I’m realistic in my expectations and I set the expectations low so that I feel excited when the universe blows my mind. In the same goal setting session, I also recognize three positive things that happen from the week before. For example someone complimented me on an outfit, or someone thanked me for the way responded to an email or how much weight I left it in the gym. Small things but having gratitude for the positivity around me. The more I recognize and have gratitude for the things around me the more I will manifest the things that I know are coming to me.
And find something small to be grateful for. Do you have a great manicure today? Did you find a penny? Did your significant other send you a funny meme?
Manifestation is a choice, manifestation is trust, manifestation is joy and manifestation is handing the impossible over to the universe.
And so it is.
Featured Photo: This photo is the day I could’ve gotten in the car and immediately driven off but instead I took the five seconds to stand there and look at the sunrise. Feet on the ground and some gratitude.
Dating per usual this one we will call Just.
Just started out good. And then became Just …fill in the blank with one or all (Jack, Annoying, Typical, Lack of follow through, Weird, Quiet).
I met Just online and we chatted for about 3 weeks every day all day before we scheduled a date. We decided to meet downtown to find some live music and a drink. It was a BEAUTIFUL Saturday evening in early September.
I had told him to surprise me and he was having a hard time making a decision so I shared my trick of cleverly caring a giant .50 piece that I flip to make decisions. We laughed that both of us do the same thing and used the coin to make many of our decisions that evening.
The evening started with a bar that typically has lots of music but this particular day it was a dead!
Plan B: He surprised me by loading me up into his truck and taking me to a martini bar near by. We had the ENTIRE place to ourselves. We sat there and had 2 drinks while talking for over 2 hours. We decided to head back to downtown to continue our ventures.
A few drinks later he was distraught that I can’t eat bacon when it came to a late night snack. We found some live music outside on a patio and had an adorable and romantic first kiss. We danced, we laughed, we touched and it was a lot of fun. This night he made it very clear that he hates when girls just fall off the face of the earth and don’t clarify if they’re interested or not in a week or two.
Points that were awesome: We both love fitness (i’m a power lifter, and here is a kickboxing fanatic. This was a bit strange to me but I was just happy that he had something that kept him going and that he was into trying to keep himself healthy ). We both had an equal love for food and fun. He didn’t have a lot of family and was open to moving. He likes cats and was a lot of joy!
He walked me home, met my cat and had a memorable ending to a first night. He asked if he could see me the next day.
He forgot that he had plans with a friend the next day but made up for it by inviting me over for dinner the next day. He would cook for the two of us. Jokingly and joyfully out here asked me to flip a coin in order to determine what we would have. I went to the gym, showered and headed over. I was SO happy to find out his house was clean! And organized!
It also was very clear that he was divorced. “She” painted neutral tones and then there was GIANT lime green wall in the living room.
This night he surprised me with a coffee encrusted steak, vegetables and my favorite wine. The evening continue with many other surprises and fun and just plain fun. It’s always entertaining to find out that someone’s favorite show is Planet Earth.
The following evening he asked me to come over after I was done teaching. I had so much fun the previous night that I was glad to comply. I walked in the door and he hugged me and asked me to stay. He got a contact case out for me and he was adorable and a great snuggler. I hadn’t planned on it, so I didn’t eat enough food or take allergy medicine. I slept for about an hour and then woke up because my stomach was growling soooooo loud and cramping and I was unable to breathe. I let myself out and laughed all the way home.
I was going home literally to eat!!! Very power lifter cliché of me. Only I, only I would go home because I’m too hungry.
I was headed out of town for a conference and we chatted in between my sessions. I said, “I will be home tomorrow, if you would like to see me this weekend.” He replied, “I definitely want to see you!” I had a giant grin on my face for the remainder of my conference.
Definitely, turned into definitely not.
He basically made up a bunch of excuses about how he was too tired from work or wanted to stay in. I even offered to cook dinner for the two of us and he just never replied.
Finally Sunday morning he sends me a long list of apologies. Saying that he got all caught up in his head, he possibly would be moving and that he was interested but didn’t want to get overly attached. I promptly replied with, “If you don’t want to see me please just let me know so I can move on.” He said, “No, exactly opposite I am sorry and I can’t wait to see you.” I was surprised after the lack of communication from the previous days.
We made plans for the following evening. I would cook for him and we were going to watch a movie.
The following day it turns out that he didn’t have to work. He had the entire day off and I had a day of insanity at work. I have the kind of day were I had to talk to the cops twice before 9 AM and I change my clothes six times.
I got home and he was there by 530. I cook dinner for the two of us and we curled up on the couch to watch a movie. I had worn tiny shorts and a tank top because he’s had made fun of me at that I’m dressed up. The previous time he saw me as soon as I get off of work. This time I went for the more casual, cuddle look.
At about eight, he looks at his phone and determines that he doesn’t have to work tomorrow. Now in my brain, I think WOW, this guy doesn’t have to work, I’m dressed adorable and we can spend more of the night together.
He on the other hand, at 8:40 says, “Well, I’m going to go home and go to bed.”
I’m pretty sure I looked at him with some sort of blank stare and in the back of my eyes I was saying, “Really? REALLY? You’re going home? I’m beautiful, sexy and you don’t have to work tomorrow? What is wrong with you or what is wrong with me?”
He went home and snapped a picture of himself in bed. And basically, I have not heard from him.
The following two days,?I asked some questions and I got one word answers.
Finally a week later, I stated, “Good luck, stop being caught up in your head when good things come to you.” He did exactly to me what he said that he hates that girls do to him.
I’m done and put a fork in it.
Recently my coach had changed up my schedule so I was not lifting at a new day than ever before. I went to the gym to get my work done. In the midst of lifting I notice someone I had never seen before. (New time… not so bad?!?)
He was tall, well built, was serious about his lifting session and a great smile… wow!
AND… he was doing a pull up correctly! (In the fitness world, people that have great form are cross your legs worthy).
We had made eye contact a few times during the remainder of my workout.
At the end, he followed me to the drinking fountain and asked about my training, where I was from and we started to talk about meal prep. (In my brain, “O.M.G. WOW”). He asks for my SnapChat name and I go on my merry way.
The next week was filled with lots of messaging back and forth to get to know each other. We schedule a lifting date for after I am done teaching a major class I had spent the better part of a week studying for.
The lifting date day comes. We meet at the gym and he follows my routine for the day. It was a lot of fun and good conversation the entire time. I was not quite sure about him because I was working on form and he kept trying to get me to push to a point where injury may have been possible. During the lift he had asked me what I had planned the remainder of the evening. I stated that I needed to get some things done now that my class was over and likely go to bed early because I had to work very early in the morning.
We were near the door and he says, “let’s go.” I kind of stutter and say, “Well I still have things in the locker room.” I go and grab my items and he holds the door for me on the way out of the gym.
Outside he points out his car and I point out mine.
Rico says, “Well, lets go.”
Me, “Umm, what?”
Rico, “Your coming over to shower, right?”
Me with a blank, wowed stare, then a shudder in a sheepish shocked no thanks voice, “uh, no it’s okay, I didn’t bring anything with me to change into.”
Rico, “That’s okay, you can borrow some of my clothes.”
Me with bright wide eyes, kind of side stepping away, “No that’s okay, I am going to go home today.”
Rico-no-so-suave was VERY stunned that I had turned him down and continued to message me like nothing weird had happened. Flash forward to a few days later, I saw him in the gym. I had a bit of terror in me, I was the only girl around but I also knew most of the guys in the gym at the time would protect me. I put my COLD barrier of energy around me. He kept playfully bumping into me but I just put myself into work mode.
In the midst of pulling 330 for sets in the middle of the gym, Rico comes over and asks, ” Did I say or do something to offend you?” Inside I couldn’t believe he had no clue, I also really wanted to say “REALLY? I AM NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION IN THE MIDDLE OF MY GYM!”.
I settled for, “I am just really working hard today.”
Next time, I will be looking for someone bold and will walk right up to me and ask me for my number but… maybe hold on the shower.
And so it is.