It is amazing what fear does inside your head and how you act it out unconsciously to “keep you safe”.
I designed a meditation about fear to work through the “reasons” for why I have been sabotaging my own success in the arena of my body transformation.
I have come to a point along my transformation where people are starting to notice and comment about the changes. This is an uncomfortable feeling because it is uncharted territory. I know how to be mediocrely fit, super strong, kinda fluffy and “thick”. This fit girl is new and weird because I don’t know how to be her. I only have history to relate to and in the past when I was smaller I was sick, accomplishing weight loss through unhealthily doing cardio and eating erratically.
A few weeks ago my coach said to me, “You are going to be in the 160s in no time.” My mind freaked out. I don’t know how to be in the 160s. I have never even thought that was a possibility. I know how to do 170s pretty unsuccessfully but the 160s, NOPE. I am really good at 180 or more. This new territory is uncomfortable and my ego craved to go backwards into the comfortable. I began sabotaging my success. I know how to over eat. I was with family and friends which became the perfect outlet. “Because” they were all eating I didn’t want to be difficult I just did what I always do… eat all the food and not be accountable to it.
My craving and desire to be in control and to be comfortable was “fed” by doing things that I knew how to do.
- I know how to be 180
- I know how to eat all the food
- I know how to feed the feelings instead of feel them.
Most of this was all happening unconsciously. I knew that I was eating, I knew I was not tracking it and I knew that it was not going to get me to my goal but WHY?
My need for security and control were so strong that I was willing to compromise everything, (Progress, integrity, possibility).
- A feeling is only a feeling. It is not what is actually happening.
- We assign meaning or a story to that feeling.
- We act as if the meanings and stories are actually happening to us.
In my case:
- I have been feeling uncomfortable in this new uncharted territory.
- The meaning I have assigned to these feelings: I will fail because it is what happened in the past. My friends and family will not accept this new me. I don’t deserve this success.
- The actions I have taken to get away from the uncomfortable and insecure feelings were to do everything that IS comfortable. Doing what is comfortable, eating and following and old success pattern satiated the need for security.
If there is no such thing as feelings then there is no such thing as security, and there is no such thing as uncomfortable.
I declare to be the cause in my life instead of creating because(s). Instead of getting stuck in the “what if” I am going to jump into the unreasonable.
Reason = Because
Action = [be]ing the cause
And so it is.